I love shakti chocolate pudding. Its this company in oakland that makes raw food, its a fabulously rich chocolate pudding with minimal ingredients: coconut cream, cacao, carob powder, dates and i think that's it. Good and good for you. Staring at my new vitamix, i thought "i can make this!" and not spend like $5 on a tub of pudding. I decided it should be triple chocolate as i couldn't decide between chocolate chips, cocoa poder, or cacao nibs. I chose all three. I could find no online recipes for chocolate pudding without avaocado. I decided to just make it up. So, i warmed up some coconut butter. I threw in a chunk of date paste and then put as much coconut butter as looked like the same amount, maybe a tad more than the dates. Put in some vanilla, a couple of kitchen spoons of cocoa powder, an indeterminable amount of chcolate chips and nibs, just kinda poured some in. i don't know, a small handful? I blended for a little over a minute. It was pretty tough to blend. It was actually steaming when i stopped it. It looked like the texture of peanut butter. So, I poured in a couple of splashes of almond milk, hoping it could blend longer and get smoother. I stopped it at less than 30 seconds. It looked smoother and shiny. I opened up the lid, a whiff of floral chocoalte hit my nose. I dipped a spoon in and noticed the texture was somewhere between liquid and solid, had a slight crumb, sort of like a gooey under baked brownie, i put it in my mouth... EXACTLY like a gooey under baked brownie. Holy moly, this is a much better craving satisfier than pudding.It was so addictive. I remembered I had pistachio genuto in the freezer. I scooped out some "brownie" plopped genuto on top... let it get slightly melty. WOW. Brownie ala mode, perfect. Are you kidding me? I can make warm fudgey chocolate craving in like two minutes in that thing??? Best blender ever. I love you, vitamix.

Thoughts on where the pudding went wrong? Probably should put less dates than coconut butter, those probably gave the substance. Also, should blend it at like 7, so it doesn't warm up so much. Although, I'm not sure i'll have the patience to try again, now that i have full knowledge that i can just make brownies instead. Even as the mix has started to cool in the refrigerator, its still like a gooey brownie. So awesome.

Scott was playing pieces of his new songs for me. When he describes the process of writing these; it reminds me of how I moped when i was a teenager that i couldn't hear music in my head. I was afraid that if i can't hear the music in my head then i might not be a musician (i was then learning to play saxophone). Sometimes living with a musician confirms this feeling for me. I can tell he definitely hears music in his head. Then I got to thinking, well what do I hear in my head? What happens in there? Colors happen and textures, and sometimes smell. But mostly what happens are stories. Stories are happening all the time in my head. There is a future for every object i contemplate buying or using, there is a story behind every mistake someone makes at work, multiple stories often; there are multiple outcomes to potential arguments before I talk to someone. There are a million movies waiting to be made. Everything is a story. And every story leads to another story. I've thought of over 20 futures for myself. When mapping those futures I never once thought, at least not since i was 10, I never thought maybe the real future is telling those futures. Writing them down. Making them all come true, in stories. I've read that you know more about yourself when you are a child then when you are an adult trying to figure out what you want to be.

i've noticed also that when i share my space with another person I find it next to impossible to ever write anything, even a journal entry. I can think of a dozens of movies I've seen and books i've read about writers (and writers love to write about writing), and i think, oh this is why there is that stereotype of the writer renting some secluded cabin to write; going to the countryside to write. One really does need a room of one's own. Very often before I know it, I have not created a thing. I miss creating.

As I'm nearing another move, changing my diet a little more, and coming as close to actually considering quitting my job as I ever have in the past; I think maybe its time to change my life.

I haven't written in quite awhile.. which means how will I ever remember how cold it was when filming this video? That is me frolicking in a thin dress on the beach in 46 degree weather with high winds. Not really very fun, but after awhile you stop feeling it. And walking around san francisco at odd times like 4 am. When no one showed up to the first video shoots (at reasonable hours) I said, hey why not just scrap the idea of a bunch of people and just film the one girl walking through the city. I didn't plan on it being me and I'm really self conscious. Also, almost everything in there is the silly stuff i did while waiting for the camera to be packed up and not what I was told to do.

Scott's parents are kind of surpirse visiting this weekend. They are going to Korea and they decided about a week ago to stop in SF first. So, they come in tomorrow morning. I really thought I would never see them until it gets to the point where we can and want to take vacations together. Its so weird for them to be coming here so soon. His brother lives here. I really thought i would meet his brother alone with him sometime soon. They are close, so i'm surprised that hasn't happened yet. Now it will be like everyone all at once. Normally these things don't bother me, but I don't think I've ever dated someone so crazy about me so fast, so it makes me really very nervous. I am blank about what to write next. That's it, I think. That's all I wanted to get out. For now.

Someone's name just intersected my life again. She has intersected it before in a very hurtful and intrusive way. And seeing her name again and then discovering she is closer than I ever intended to be sent a pang of remembrance of that pain. In times like these I have to wonder is it wise to stay quiet and let it be. Might this person just be incidental? Though i feel there was some deception on her part towards someone who was once close to me, i could very well be mistaken. I could be living with the bias of the pain i endured and know not one honest thing about her. If it turned out she plays the same long distance you have me but you don't games, and lashes out to anyone who listens, i would feel terrible that i knew this about her, but just let it be. It doesn't really matter. It has nothing to do with me. I just didn't expect to feel that disgust at seeing her name. Seeing her face.  I didn't know i really held that in the back of my mind and it upsets me that I do.  I know I am that pang of disgust in someone for things I foolishly did when that young. I really should just let that go. And my defensiveness pipes up and says at least i had honesty about my indiscretions, at least i didn't pretend things were otherwise. Shhh, past hurt, just let it go. Let it go.

I came home yesterday- exhausted, sick, ready to curl up and go to bed and my wonderful boyfriend has cleaned up my apartment, washed my dishes , and was waiting to take me to dinner. He even mopped the kitchen floor and fed all the pets. He said "I came by to pick up my guitar, and i got a good parking spot and parking is free today, so I figured I'd just stay until you got home. Is that okay?" Is it okay? I have no idea what I did to deserve all this. I'm usually doing these types of thing for other people. Its like I got to cash all of those nice gestures in and get them back tenfold.
Last week he made his chili. We had been joking about it; how i'm from Texas so there's no way i could think it was chili. I gave him my key then because he gets out of work before i do, so i gave him the key so he could get started cooking and when i came home he had cleaned up the apartment and was cooking. He was so nervous too about the cooking too. The chili was real chili, except he accidentally poured in too much brown sugar. It was super sweet. We made it work though. It turns out the sweetness played well off of tamales, we didn't figure that out until the last day of leftovers.
He likes musicals, but he's never been to one. He's amazed that I've seen Cabaret and Avenue Q and The Rocky Horror Show. I'm amazed that he's never gone to a play at all, but he's from a small town and i've lived in nothing but big cities. So I looked up what's in town (btw, sf is not the city for theater), like let's go, let's see one. He got us tickets to see Sweeney Todd at a community theatre. He also gave me a necklace. I had no idea how to react to react to that. Other than the time I was proposed to, no one has ever given me jewelry. Ever. Like jewelry with a real stone, not like punk rock gothy jewelry. It was "just something small", but still, unexpected nice gift? That's the kind of thing I do. It is really strange to be the one receiving it. I don't mean that as complaint. Its just sort of surreal. I don't know how to accept such things. I don't feel worthy of it if that makes sense at all. 

no time to finish these thoughts.

Me: I know I said I was tired, but now I can't sleep. I have this energy to get out

Him: really?

Me: ::shoots hands out into the air::: see? i need to get this energy out. Maybe its the stress from inventory

Him: ::laughing::: probably

Me: Can you feel? Can you feel it? Can you feel the energy?
 Him: oh. real funny.

Me: Can you? Can you feel the energy in me? Can you feel the energy in you? ... its surging through you and me.
::looks over:: well. can you feel it?

Him: real real funny.

http://www.myspace.com/music/player?sid=71605216&ac=now
(the joke)

also, i think LJ should have "whimsical" as a mood choice.

My boyfriend is comfortable like an old t-shirt and i never want to sleep alone again. i hope we don't get sick of each other. I didn't mean to spend so much time together so soon.

Is everything and more I could ever ask from a boyfriend. Its like he walked out of a movie, seriously. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm making him up. That first night that he asked me to dinner, we bonded over two things: Karaoke and that we both don't feel like we belong in SF and want to move to LA. Its funny, I do remember one of the very few break room conversations i had with him a few months ago he was going to move to LA and it was around the same time I'd decided to. I remember because I was so excited to hear that someone else was moving there. Funny how it fell through for both of us. His car broke down and my boyfriend (my reason) broke up with me over me wanting to be there with him. I am so not ready to date and people keep telling me to. I think about Justin so much more than I should, and I know that. But somehow, I just gave in. It was just so funny how he approached me as soon as I walked in. It was the first time i'd gone out to something where there'd be people from work and i had gotten out of work earlier in the day and so i could dress up. I wasn't even all that close to the person who was going way at this going away party, but he'd threatened me the day before that I better go to his party. I used Scott's music video as an excuse not to go, even though it'd end early enough, I figured I'd just say I was tired, but Scott canceled the music video, so I was without excuses. And when I got home from work I thought what the hell, i need to go out. I need to go out and make friends. Fuck it, enjoy SF while I'm here, at least try to. I remember right when I walked in after i was assailed by Dani (the person of honor) and being bought a drink by him, I looked around and didn't immediately see very many people i worked with closely. I wanted to sit next to the front end atl because I talk  to her quite a bit and go get drunk with her now and then. Before I had a chance to, i saw scott, who i didn't expect to see and I remember the way he looked at me before he walked over to me and i remember thinking "this guy is about to hit on me". He offered to buy me a drink, but i had one already. He asked me if i came here alone, and did my boyfriend come with me. Ha, that's the 'are you single' question, do men really think we don't know what's being asked when they ask that? I hesitated answering because if i answered honestly i knew what was coming next and if i answered dishonestly, well, he was kind of cute after all. Also, i had just been thinking about that exboyfriend so much. I remember I was like "i don't have a .... I don't have a boyfriend." and he said "oh, you have an ex you're still talking to" and i was shocked that he read that. And I said, "well.. yeah. we live in different cities. We are not together." and he said, "i've been in that situation before where you talk to your ex and you hope you'll get back together." and I had no idea what to say and he said "so, you are still kind of seeing your ex let me take you to dinner". just boom just like that one sentence all fast. It was very confusing..like what? Are you asking me to dinner, i'm not entirely sure if i heard that correctly. and i said "what?" and he said it again the exact same way and i remember not knowing how to respond and i a was like o..kay. ok. I think someone from produce distracted him then, somehow we stopped talking and i sat next the the girl i was going to sit next to. I was kind of amazed at that, it was so funny and confusing. And most of the time people from work don't hit on me until after i've had a few drinks, not like within 2 minutes of me walking in. He was awfully brave for that and then asking me out even though he read that I was hung up on my ex. I was like what the heck with this guy. I texted Lolo, "i think this guy just asked me to dinner, but i'm not sure". I'm not sure how it happened, but at some point my drink was taken away before i was done. We all had to get up because the bench we were sitting on had beer stored in it that the bar had to get to. I turned around and my drink was gone and then scott was back on this side of the room again and i said "they took my drink away" and he said "oh well let me get you another one" and he did. I said, "are you going to sing?". I expected a no, forgetting about his band. He kind of lit up and i said, well, let's go look at the book" and we did. He was shy from then on. all nervous and stumbling over words. It was kind of cute. and he was super super nervous about singing even though he's a singer. I remember at one point we were talking about our karaoke standards, because as it turned out, we both love karaoke, and about being nervous to go sing and he said, "so, that was a no on dinner, right?" and i said, "i didn't say no. Dinner is good." and he said "oh! okay! well now i have to think of when..." and i laughed and said, "well that would be the important part of asking someone to dinner." That was one of the best going away parties so far. Everyone got into the karaoke by the end of the night, Dani gave this ridiculous speech; time really flew. I looked down at my phone and realized it was after 1 and I was like shit, how do i get home. And i told scott, "i forgot about that part where the trains here don't run all night, I don't know how I will get home."  and he said, "oh i can take you home if you don't find a bus," and then, "i mean, i'll take you home. I'll just drive you home." And when everyone was leaving we got separated. I was the last one to leave after the bathroom line. I walked out of the bar and no one was really around and i thought, damn, now i have to figure out how to get to the night owl. I kind of waited there for a second just in case he was still inside and down the street were a few people and i was trying to think if i had anyone's number to text and then i saw him down the street, i saw him see me and then he ran towards me. It was so funny. And i said, "oh, so you're trying to ditch me now?" He's like oh no, i went where i saw people in case you were over there, etc etc. It was funny, i was like i'm just kidding. We walked over to the car and he was like, wow i can't drive right now, and i suggested taking a walk. And we walked up mission for awhile talking about I don't remember what. I remember he was so easy to talk to.  I think we mostly talked about not fitting in SF and not making real friends here and wanting to move to Los Angeles. I'm sure we talked about Texas and Kentucky, listening to records and recording them onto cassette tapes. Just whatever. And that's when we got back to the car and i could see that moment coming that he was going to kiss me and it should have been the right moment, but it just wasn't. And not only that, but he didn't just kiss me, he like whoa, like made out with me. I pulled away like "whoa whoa what are you doing" without saying that. Apparently what i said was "o.kay" haha. And he was like "I'm so sorry, Kassi!" and I was trying to downplay it and i said, 'for what?" and he said " i kissed you! i'm sorry!"  I thought it was really kind of funny that he got that brave and then apologized for it. In a way I kind of felt bad. I really had been flirting with him all night. I was. It was intentional. But I wasn't ready for the kiss and especially not ready for that more than a kiss. I was really pretty confused at myself. He drove me home, we talked about music. He dropped me off and I went into my building and went to bed. I asked my friend Yuli about him at work. I had been trying to get her to come to the party (if she would've, i would've only talked to her all night). I said, "at 11 you texted me it was too late, but we were all there until 2 am" and she went on with her excuses and then she said, "wait, you left at 2? How did you get home?" and I said, "oh scott took me home," she asked, "Scott, who's Scott?" I said, "oh you know, Scott. In produce?" and she said "ohhh. okay that's good, He doesn't drink. I didn't think he would go." and I said, "he doesn't drink?" and she said 'yeah, he hardly drinks when we go out." and i said, "are you sure? because he was definitely drinking. wait, so ho often do  you hang out?" and she looked at me and said, "why?" and i said, "ohh, i dunno, just wondering..." and I took her over to the corner of the dry storage and asked her about him, about what he was like. I told her what happened and she started laughing and said, "Kassi, if it wasn't you telling me this story, I would think you are making this up. This doesn't sound like him at all." and we talked for awhile and she said so many good things about him. This girl is always telling me not to date the people that hit on me from work and she seemed to think he was okay. She's very good about being like, "oh no, not him he's a jerk..." and then have a story of why. She said, "this will be good! he's like you, he's not with a lot of girls. Its been a long time, just like you," she said, "just do it, just go on the one date. Its been a long time with no news on Justin. You need to date and Scott is really nice." And so I kept my appointment with dinner.

He was a little intense at first, I had to be like whoa slow it down, i just met you and you're asking me about feelings and stuff. Its a little strange. I still sometimes feel like, this doesn't feel right, these hands don't feel like Justin's hands. I hate it when those thoughts creep up. I'm not entirely ready for this, but I like this. I'm not sure what I think yet. I know I like him. I know he's very sweet and i absolutely do like to spend time with him and do get excited around him. The strangest part of all is that he does all those things I used to do for other people and its such a strange feeling to have someone do them for me. All the thoughtful things that I've always resigned will never happen for me. I'll just always be the thoughtful cancer, and other people just aren't going to be like that. But he is. He will wash my two day old dishes that i've left piled up because i haven't had time between shifts to take care of it. He will ask the produce ladies to show him how to make guacamole and bring every single ingredient with him even salt, to make sure he gets it right when he makes it for me. He will bring me roses the day after my birthday, so that they won't be part of the birthday, but special on their own. He will give me a foot rub after a long day at work. He'll decide to go to monterrey and pack everything for a picnic on the beach (even though it turned out to be cold and foggy when we got there). I just really don't know where all this came from. Its crazy. And its so easy to talk to him. I don't know what it is. This is the most i've talked about my past with anyone. And Jeff and Justin I knew for months or years before we started dating and I could never talk about my dad or my mom, or therapists, or... i don't know how i start talking about these things! I think its his Kentucky accent, it reminds me of home, makes me feel familiar, comfortable. And he doesn't get uncomfortable or different, he's just, there. And he likes all the pets. He gets excited to take holly to the dog park with me or offer to take her to the beach. He plays with the cats. And he can be both very close with me and respectful of my space at the same time. David and Jeff were always so demanding of my closeness, i couldn't always deal with so much cling. Justin was never close enough. Only in flashes of time, never often, i was the clingy one. But scott is both very close, but totally okay with not being so. And he makes me feel like the hot girl. Like walks into walls and trips over things when he's talking to me, like a movie. Its really cute. I really like him so far.

I don't understand it. Where did he come from??

Sometimes there is just something sexy about a man fixing things. Its an acknowledgement that made me laugh out loud when i watched the episode of Mad Men where Don goes to Pete's house and ends up fixing the sink. Its true. It can be hot; not sure why. I guess everyone just wants to be taken care of sometimes. My sink has been leaking for the last...i don't know.. awhile. At least 6 months. It was just a small leak sometimes and its slowly getting worse. It's the seal around the drain. I've just been lazy about it. I'm used to it. And I normally don't have anyone in my apartment.So, of course, the one time I do and I am washing dishes to clear the sink so he can use my kitchen, my sink straight up just floods my kitchen. The water was pretty much just going directly to the floor. It was certainly not that bad before. Scott noticed it right away and opened up the cabinets. Here's the problem, do you have a rag I can tie around this, etc. "its not an expensive part, and its an easy fix, but i don't have anything with me."  "Its okay," I say, "the landlord will take care of it. I just have to call- or email about it, I guess." He laughs, yeah let the landlord take care of it. But he keeps looking at it. Even the next day. Today he messages me "hey did you get the sink pipe fixed?" Nope. He says, "maybe i can do it" I say if you want. He is going to replace it before we go out on my birthday. I'm kinda more excited that he's going to fix my sink than i am about going out. Kind of. I have no idea where we're going, he's super nervous about trying to pick a restaurant i haven't tried. And I have no idea what he will have for me, but i know he will have something. This might be the best birthday date in awhile. Its kind of fun to date someone that tries to be romantic. The context is off for that sentence, the sink is not romantic. Its that I know that he will probably do the flowers and chocolate thing and take me somewhere nice. Oh and he will definitely give me a back massage or something too. By the way, that is the best. I always work later hours than he does, so when we hang out he usually picks me up from work and then I have to go to my apartment to walk Holly and he will always, if i sit down for a minute and relax he will give me a foot rub or a back rub- Right after work, right after i'm all stressed. Its like...where have you been all my life? No, seriously, where did this dude come from? Is this really happening right now? Did I make you up?