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I have been having such a hard time here mentally. I've gone on a few job interviews, i've been upped to interview with the ceo level rounds, but still haven't gotten another job. I wonder if i even want to manage a restaurant. Managing is not the career I ever imagined for myself and i've got some serious retail burnout. I'm at the point where I'd rather quit everything and just be a webcam model. Scott decided to help me refocus. He made a list of all the things i've been talking about wanting to do and I had to rank them. One was what i wanted, the rest were just ideas that i might like. So, now the plan is to work towards the one, try to move in with my friends here to save on rent, and maybe get a part time job or try to find work as an extra or something. One step at a time though. This step is write something every day. I'm glad livejournal is mostly abandoned these days; I can use it a real journal without thinking of an audience. Next step, finding another aparment and learning how to spend less. I made a menu for the week of lunches and dinners and grocery shopped according to it. I cancelled my mail order subscription boxes like horror block, barkbox, and nature box. I'm selling some of my books and things i don't really need around. As the current pop culture phenomenon says, the things that don't "spark joy". I'm working on trying to leave my work at work, and thinking of it as temporary. Just letting go of the stress of it. I am taking an online screenwriting class. Also, some classes on the psychology of happiness just because. I also want to get out more. I think I get depressed isolating myself in this dark apartment, receiving everythign through delivery. Its what happens when you live n a car culture city without a car.

Scott and I went to The Grammy Museum today. It was fun, they have lots of interactive exhibits. We also went to Old Chinatown and saw the Bruce Lee statue, had some pretty meh giant dumplings and then went to Olvera street. We had some great tex-mexy dinner, marveled at the old buildings and vowed to come back earlier in the day so we could go to the museum. Its tough plannign a visit to Olvera street; its right next to chinatown and they both start closing down around 6 and you really want to see both of them. I think its inspiring that a woman saw these old puebla houses marked for demolition and made up her mind to save them by turning them into a tourist destination. It worked. Its awesome. That piece of history, of old los angeles, of mexican american culture will always be there. Amazing. Sometimes I think I'd love to be a tourist guide. I love touristy shit and I know all the good places to eat.

I am still bummed about David Bowie. Maybe sometime in the next few days I'll write about that. His death also made me reflect. He seemed to live his life on his own terms and even he had so much more to say when he passed. Its kind of amazing that someone could dream so big and make it all come true. 
I just watched the first episode of Salem. The reimagining of the american witches as actually real, isn't new, but somehow, this show made it much more obvious for me. True Blood did it (with european witchcraft), the lords of salem, american horror story... and those are just the modern pop culture hits. Why is it okay to imagine that witch hysteria was not hysteria? If you take this situation with other historical persecutions can you make a horror drama that will not be called out? Can you imagine that Jews actually did have horns and eat children and make a popular drama showing courageous nazis being the only ones who know the truth? Hell no and you shouldn't. Can you imagine that black slaves were actually bloodthirsty demons with a lust for white women who just tricked you into thinking that was historically inaccurate? No. Even if you treated as some sort of revenge flick, it would not go down well. And it shouldn't. So, why is it okay to put the fantasy that women actually did grow teats on their legs and feed frogs and other imps and try to control the towns they were in through golddigging marriages into a mainstream tv show? Why is that okay? Why is it okay to ignore the opprssion of women and keep the bigoted stories alive as active fantasies?

Women are still hanged, burned, and persecuted in various other ways as witches. That is not something that happened in the past and is over now. It is still happening. It is not okay to pretend that witch's teats are real. It is not just a fun fantasy.
I can tell people are satisfied and delighted because they keep scowling and yelling, "isn't there anyone else to help me?! Why don't you ever have anyone here?!" So glad that's the issue being addressed.

that time los angeles ate my phones

Scott and I ahve been meaning to go to santa monica and go to the beach and the pier (and also to go to the hollywood hills), but we never wake up early enough to make a whole day of it. We finally just went last Thursday. I hadn't been in the water at a beach in so long! It was pretty fun. However, the amusements on the pier were all closed ofr a private part, what luck. So, we just walked around, had pier burgers,  and then rode the carousel. For some reason the operator wouldn't let me ride on the goat next to scott's horse. We also wasted money on an old timey biorhythyms machine that we didn't know how to use. When we were leaving, i mentioned how I never hang out with Lolo and I wonder if he's off. Seconds later his boyfriend texted wanting to watch gone girl, so we headed over. What a twisty turny movie! His boyfriend and room mate really like to keep your wine glass full and we had to stay later than planned to eat and let the buzz wear off. When we got home i dropped my phone exiting the car. The glass didn't shatter, however the LCD started blinking. When I woke up in the morning the lcd had two giant purple spots, then throughout the day it slowly turned black and became unusable. My phone is no longer offered, the insurance claim replaced it with an HTC one. Because my claim was on a Friday I couldn't get a phone until Monday and Fed Ex didn't leave it on the first attempt, so I stayed home all of Tuesday waiting for my phone. Since I'm trying to land a salaried job at this cool local eatery, i was a little worried about being unreachable. Plus, without a car, its a little difficult to get around without maps and uber. I can't just walk across Los Angeles like its San Francisco, not unless I have loads of time and lots of water. I set up akk my contacts which took some figuring out. When I came home from work on Wednesday, my key got stuck in the mail box. I had to unscrew the lock and get my key out and put it back together. It was late and I was stressed after working a much longer day than planned, being told to come in the next day on my off day and knowing i had an interview at 3 pm that I hadn't had tiem to prepare for. I set down my phoen on top of the mailboxes while fixing the lock. I forgot it when i went inside. It was dying and needed ot be charged. After trying on some interview clothes I remembered i needed to charge my phone, but it was nowhere to be found. And then i remembered the mailbox, so i went outside to look. It wasn't there. Scott had gone out to get a pizza and hadn't seen it. It disappeared within half an hour. We texted the building manager to check the camera to see if i indeed left it there or not. Then we searched throughout the apartment. We called it several times and after the first couple of attempts it went straight to voicemail, I figured it died already. I tried locating it in android device manager, but nothing. I figured it was because it ran out of battery. I tried ot locate it several more times, hoping someone picked it up for safekeeping and didn't know who's it was and maybe charged it by morning. I went ot work where i needed to text my boss who just went on vacation with questions, but i couldn't. I also had to trust that uber ordered bys cott would show up and take me to my interview. Once I got there, the pastry chef interviewing me was late. I started to panic thinking i couldn't call her, she couldn't call me. I couldn't call or text scott. I was kind of helpless. So, I just waited. I remember this was one of my manager's favorite techniques, showing up late and seeing how the candidate reacts. She showed up and apologized and all was fine. I think we hit it off. I'm hoping she's considering me. She doesn't really know what she's doing, she's never hired a manger before. So, I'm not relaly sure what to think. She talked as though it was mine and i just needed ot accept, but who knows. She gave me her number and email address. I explained that my phone was stolen and gave her scott's number. We'll see. She wants me to tour the kitchen. This is such a strange process, everything is through a recruiting company. It seems like an awesome job, but it also seems a little made up as you go. So, I'm not sure how I feel about it, but i think its worth a try. It'd be a lot more money than I make now, and semi-regular hours. At least not as crazy as my hours now, she seemed shocked when i told her how my schedule works. I would be learning quite a bit about running a business and working with a well known chef. The things she makes are really cool. I can't say much more, its supposed to be confidential. Anyway...

Getting home i had to go to bed soon. I hadn't realied hwo long we talked at the interview. I made it home around 530. I did take the bus, but the meeting must've lasted until 430 at least. I had to be at work at 3 am for inventory. The apartment manager came by and returned my phone. She checked the cameras and the neighbor that took it came in right after i walked away, did a double take, and came back 2 minutes later to "check his mail". He then covered up the phone with mail and walked away with it. She went to talk to him and told him she needs the phoen he took and then asked "is there any reason you kept it and didn't give it to me?" to which he replied, "i was going to answer". Yeah, sure, just like he answered it last night? We also texted and emailed it int he morning saying to return it to #11. ( i still believed it was a good samaritan). He had also given it to his girlfriend. I'm really glad we have cameras in our building. I suppose that's a benefit of being in a historically high crime area that has calmed down in recent years. Everyone has cameras. When I looked through my phone I noticed everything had alreayd been erased. IT was fully charged and disconnected from google. My texts were gone, everything gone except a couple of voicemails. Oh sure, they weren't stelaing that. How lame! I am lucky that it was found. 

work lunch

I was looking over my past entries (they are so scarce!) and ran across my engine 2 food diary. This reminded me of my new favorite work lunch/brunch. I'm not hungry early in the morning, so i often don't eat when i leave for work before 6. Now that I make juice and smoothies all day, I really crave fruit and often my lunch is still pretty early morning and prepared foods only has breakfast out, so i constructed a breakfast salad that i really love. Its my new favorite thing to eat:

cottage cheese
fruit (strawberries, raspberries, grapes sometimes melon sometimes mango)
dried cranberries
sunflower seeds and/or walnuts
balsamic vinegar

I sometimes put a turkey sausage link on the side. I love that salad. 


I find the show really interesting and easy to binge watch. Sometimes I hate it because I think Lena Dunham kinda looks like me a little. And there are so many times I relate to her and she's both so horrible and yet not at the same time. I don't want to be hannah, but sometimes i'm like, omg, i was totally hannah in some situations (with a lot less money and a lot less education), yikes.

I'm on season 4 and so far, Hannah is such a spoiled brat. Not that her class isn't, but they do call her out on her bullshit. Sometimes these characters annoy me so much, but at the same time i've met every one of those characters in the real world at some point. That's what makes it so watchable. Girls, I love you and hate you at the same time.

And at the end of every episode i'm like, why am i not writing?


I am afraid to go out after an incident that happened a couple of days ago. I've been walking around my neighborhood a little to see where its okay to walk and where there are things to do. I checked out Olympic and there are a ton of Korean restaurants and its seems it wouldn't be too far of a walk to Koreatown proper...maybe 20-30 minutes. Pico on the other hand has a lot of gang tags, however, there are more people out all the time on pico. I first went to a central american grocery store on Pico. I was nervous, but everything turned out fine, seemed much like places I grew up in (that's what made me nervous- jacinto city/galena park vibe). I found a tortilleria, I bought fresh tortillas, i found an ice cream shop with amazing tropical ice cream flavors that was hella busy. Then I decided I'd go to Olympic and take a bus to Koreatown. The bus was late. People started to pile up at the stop, so I figured, my app says bus is only 10 minutes faster than walking, i'll start walking. I crossed the next street and a silver mercedes was waiting at the light. As I passed, the man said "hows your day going?" and i replied "good, thanks". Then he turned and started trailing alongside me asking very polite and friendly questions while smiling, however, it was making me nervous to have a car trailing me. He parked and waved with a 'sweet' under his hand. I gestured "no thanks" and kept walking. He pulled around the corner slowly. I was afraid to cross that as he might be waiting. By this time i'm at the next bust stop down. I'm debating whether to wait there, keep going, or go back to the bus stop full of people. I also contemplate walking home or going into a restaurant. I start to walk back and there's a man approaching me. Turns out, in that timespan he drove back around and parked and was now walking towards me. He smiles, he's polite, he reaches out to shake hands and says "i'm omar, where are you going?" He offers me a ride, i politely decline and continue walking towards the original bus stop. He keeps offering the ride and says "don't worry i got you", i say "thank you for offering, that's so kind, but i'm okay" he walks towards his trunk and watches me walk away. As I'm approaching the bus stop the bus pulls up and i run into it. On the plus side, dude never flipped over into aggro mode as i've encountered in sf and nyc. He was smiling, talking softly and super friendly. But his insistence really scared me, especially being new here and not having a car to retreat to. As the bus heads towards my destination i see a silver mercedes parked ahead and i'm thinking "oh shit, is he going to wait at the major koreatown stops?". I get off at the galleria and rush in, walking around aimlessly wherever there are people. I'm shaken up by this for a good hour. I was scared to walk to the plaza down the street. I finally did and once i sat down to eat, I thought, well, it wasn't really that bad. Maybe the dude really is that nice. How sad is it that I live in a world where nice is suspect? I don't care how nice you are, i am still not getting into a car with a stranger in a place i don't know very well, no matter how nice your car is and how friendly your smile is, especially if you continue to follow me after i've declined the ride 3 times.

I am still a little scared to walk around alone now, in case Omar lives in the neighborhood. What a bummer.

Well, hello there journal

I apparently would rather waste time on facebook than write about what's going on in  my life. I am movign to Los Angeles in a couple of weeks. I secured an apartment and everything. I have not secured a job. I made up my mind to quit and then a team leader position popped up. I was getting pretty excited, but my ex boyfriend is the associate coordinator and on my interview panel (and kind of my boss if i get it). I also looked it up on the map and it is a hella far bus ride to get to work. I fluctuate between thinking it will be fine and if i hate it i can quit and thinking fuck it, i'll just go ahead and quit. I haven't been incredibly happy in my workplace lately anyhow and i've worked for the same company for a pretty long time. Maybe its time to take a risk. That's where i'm at right now. 

For those about to Chao

I tired the Chao slices on grilled cheese the other night. I put them head to head with american cheese. Keep in mind i don't really like americna cheese, i usually opt for cheddar. I made grilled cheese sandwiches with broccoli stems. One with Spicy Cayenne Chao and one with american cheese. I tried the chao sandwich first, i bit in and thought, "well, this is a little too gooey". It tasted okay though, what with the peppers in it. Then I bit into the american cheese sanwich and I realized american cheese is also way too gooey. Honestly, it makes a really good processed cheese alternative. I actually liked the Chao better. (its no cheddar, however) Scott also liked both sandwiches. He liked them about the same. He's a junk food, american cheese enthusiast.

I'm trying the Chao in enchiladas tonight. I mixed original with spicy cayenne. It should make those gooey cheese enchiladas (admittedly not my favorite, but it will be cool to see if it ends up tasting about the same). This would be the first time i've made truly vegan cheese enchiladas. Weird. Sounds like an abomination. I'm going to put avocado and chopped onions on top and pretend i'm at one of those super cheap tex mex places with the gooey sticky cheese enchiladas. Too bad i don't have margaritas.

The Chao is pretty much devoid of nutritional value (except fat), so i probably won't buy it much, but it is sure fun to try it. 

healthy food and stuff

January 2nd I stuck to the modified juice fast okay. I had physical therapy and was really hungry afterwards. I drank a lot of juice that day. I ate a couple of satsumas and for dinner we had acorn squash enchiladas. They were pretty good and a lot less cheese than cheese enchiladas. I somehow made them super spicy, so that kinda sucked, especially since my system was on a break from food. I worked the next day, so i decided to eat. I had juice in the morning, then at work i sampled things in the kitchen. It was kind of a hectic day and i was pretty much a team member and on my feet all day. For lunch I had gua-kale-mole with mini sweet peppers and endive. I tried "spa water". It had cinnamon and apple and was surprisingly sweet. I never thought to infuse water with cinnamon. Now I want to do it all the time. The stl gave me a green onion scone she had leftover, which was buttery and delicious. When i went home i ate a peanut butter filled christmas tree. I had an intense chocolate craving. My stomach hurt afterwards. It was probably like "what the fuck are you trying to do?". We had a salad with gem lettuce, radish, carrots, broccoli, bacuns, shredded cheese, and hilary's eat well chia ranch. The dressing was okay. Kind of dilly. I threw some santa fe cornsticks from our nature box on top. We also had whole wheat spaghetti with roasted garlic tomato sauce and parmesan and a glass of red wine. Today I had the last roots juice and a couple of bites of leftover salad ( i, weirdly, do not despise soggy salad). Then I snacked at work. It is impossible to resist pulled rotisserie chicken right now. There were peanut butter pretzels in the break room, they tasted like nutty buddies. I ate a lot of those. Things seem to taste better now. I guess it helps that my taste buds aren't as dulled over with fat and salt. The last couple of juices i drank i was like "wow, are these really better or have i just acclimated to the juice?" They were so delicious. I am in love with the Greens Blend 5; it has: spinach, romaine, fennel, cilantro, orange, pineapple. The pineapple orange was strong, but that cilantro and fennel combo really added something to it. It was just my favorite juice ever. For lunch today I had a steamed broccoli burrito from the burrito joint across the street from work, it sounds strange, but you can't go wrong with broccoli and cheese (broccoli, cheese, rice, black beans, avocado, tomatillo sauce). I love that burrito and always forget its an option. Scott and i worked together, so we rode together, i knew he'd want to get mcdonald's for dinner. So, I actually looked up the menu last night so i could plan out what to order. We ended up skipping it because we were both still full from lunch. We're going to have a smoothie in a few minutes. I haven't decided what's going to go in it. Maybe almond milk, lettuce, orange, banana (i only have the chocolate covered frozen ones from tj's), moringa powder, and hemp protein. Maybe. I'll have to see what flavors of the protein we have. He works in the nutrition section and gets all kinds of samples of product, so the goal is now to use them because they take up so much room!

I really love aged nut cheeses. They have this funkiness, kind of like an aged cheese, but are their own thing. A couple of days ago i bought some vegan cheese to try. I just tried them a few minutes ago. One was Myoko's Kitchen Smoked Farmhouse. That sucker was rich, salty, smoky, and really good. Its an aged cashew cheese. They can be expensive, but no more expensive than getting a nice aged cheese, and are far richer, so you kind of eat less at a time. The other was Field Roast Chao Tomato Cayenne. These are slices. They're some kind of fermented coconut milk thing. It actually was a lot like eating a sliced pepper jack. Supposedly they melt too. That would be awesome as i think Daiya is disgusting and am trying to eat less cheese (but love it still). Someone who worked in the cheese department told me they think its funny when vegetarians are looking for a vegetarian cheese. She mentioned that its even crueler than eating meat. I'd never thought of it that way, but she's right. The animal is impregnated over and over and the babies are taken away and that's how you get cheese. Dairy animals are pretty much tortured- pregnancy is no walk in the park. I've never been vegetarian for animal cruelty reasons, but it sure gives me pause and makes me feel better about exploring plant options.

okay, well, smoothie time.